Here is our story and announcement about our sweet angel. The first memorial service the hospital had for those that have lost their baby was about Hope. Since that day, I have done my best to Choose Hope. It's a lot easier said than done, but it's happening more than not. This was written shortly after we lost him...
As hard as it is to write this, it is also very healing to tell the story of our son...
On Tuesday, June 17th 2014, we were scheduled for an ultra-sound to check the babies heart and to confirm the gender. Back at our 12 1/2 week appointment, they thought that it was a boy. He had a very prominent pee-pee that they showed us :o)
Well, Tuesday came around and our appointment was at 7:10am. We went in, joking with the ultra-sound tech about whether or not it kept that pee-pee. We just chit-chatted a bit until she was ready.
She then got started and the minute she turned it on and scanned the baby, I knew something was wrong. I could not see his heart fluttering nor was he moving. She was very quiet and just measured his head and then his arm, sighed and then shut it off. She said to us, I am so sorry. I immediately knew he was gone. Rob thought at first she was saying that because it was a boy and then very quickly realized what was going on.
To say we were devastated would be a very large understatement. We just sat there and cried. The tech was very nice and then excused herself to get the NP that we were supposed to be meeting with that morning. She came in and apologized multiple times and then told us our options. Based on what was given to us, we decided to deliver. I was almost 19 1/2 weeks. They weren't sure exactly when he had passed but we now had to wait until the doctor arrived at the office.
We finally saw the doctor a little before 8:30am, she was nice and then gave us our options again. Since we decided to move forward with the delivery, she had to do a little procedure in the office to get things going. She put Laminarias in to my cervix to open it up. She wanted to put in 4, but was only able to put in 2. They were very painful, but she went as fast as she could. Putting these in would help speed up the process and get my body ready for birth. We had the option to go home and wait for a bit or go to the hospital. They were not sure exactly as to how long it would take for them to work, usually about 10-12 hours, but everyone is different so I could have gone way sooner. Since we didn't know and we had 3 kids sitting at home, we did not want to go home. We weren't ready to confront the kids just yet. So we went to the hospital to wait it out. We ran real quick to the house for Rob to change and drop off his car, as he was planning on going to work right after our appointment. He said it was hard avoiding the 20 questions from Kaila and the boys, but he went in and went out as fast as possible and just told the kids we had another appointment to go to.
We ate some nasty jack in the box in the parking lot, or at least tried...we were both just so sick to our stomachs. Once we got to Mercy Gilbert Hospital, it took us a while to go in. The whole thing just sucked. We told both of our parents and family while we were waiting and then went in. We had to go thru the ER and I was not ready to explain 15 times why we were there so I was very thankful that they asked one time and then just checked us in and sent us to labor and delivery. When we arrived on the 3rd floor, I asked for triage and this nurse, Lori, came out and said she's with me and took us back to our room. She was so sweet and comforting. She had the room, A304, all ready for us, no crazy bright lights, no one coming in and out. They had a little sign on the door indicating our loss so that no one would come in that wasn't needed or asked for. My nurse was beyond wonderful at making sure no one came in to bother us, that was nice. They gave us free rein to walk around, go outside, basically be as comfortable as possible while we waited.
She took my vitals and just made sure I was ok and then proceeded to talk to us about all that was going to happen, what our options were after birth, etc. She was very helpful and then left and got our doctor. I had never met this OB at my OBGYN's office before, her name was Dr Adams, but I am so grateful for her and couldn't imagine going through this with any other doctor, she was that wonderful.
She explained everything in more detail as to what was going to happen, options for what we would like to do with the baby afterwards but never pushed us, and then talked about our feelings. Since they put in the Laminaria's, there was a possibility that I would deliver those first and then the baby would come later or it could all come at once. Since everyone is so different they really don't know exactly how it will happen and again the time frame is up in the air. She prescribed me Cytotec to be taken every 4 hours to push the labor along. Every time I received that medication, I had very intense contractions for the first hour and half to two hours and then it would wear off a little. My doctor told me that I would go through everything that a woman would in regards to deliver, the only difference is that I wouldn't deliver as big as a 9 month woman would. So in regards to pain, it would be up there and then gave me my options, including an epidural. I told them I wanted to wait on the medication until it was absolutely necessary and that I weanted to be present for everything.
After we were done with the doctor my nurse brought us a bunch of different items. A lot of support paperwork to help us talk and tell the kids, along with a book about loss. She also brought us this box that said "Owl Love You Forever". Inside this box was a bunch of items for us and our little boy. An owl for me told hold as I was leaving the hospital so I wasn't empty handed, some blankets to wrap him in, along with a very small hat and a wrap for him. There was a candle and some more support information and other information about the organization and woman who started this for us moms who lost their babies. It was very sweet and nice, how supportive they all were with the situation we were faced with.
We walked around for a while to pass some time...went to the Healing Garden, got a couple drinks and then tried to rest as much as possible and watch tv. We were both just so emotional and drained that it felt like forever. We both wished so badly that I would deliver sooner than later. There are no words to describe this situation except for shitty. That was my word for the two days we were there and are to this day. We had a priest come in and bless both, Rob and myself and of course our baby. As much as it sucked to be having to do this, it was nice to have a Catholic Priest there to be with us for a short time.
As time went by, my contractions started to become more intense. It got to the point that Rob suggested that I maybe get some pain meds seeing as how he knew I did not want the epidural. The reason for that was how my body reacted to it when I was in labor with the boys--my experience was not very good with their delivery, but my doctor this round explained to me exactly why last time was the way it was and so I felt better about everything, but I still knew I didn't want the epidural. I wanted to be able to get up and walk afterwards if I wanted to see the baby etc. So instead of the epidural, my doctor gave me Stadol (I believe that is what it's called). It immediately relaxed me and took the pain away for a while. I was able to rest a bit and then I felt something coming. We thought maybe it was the baby and so the nurse called the doctor in. She was just finishing up a delivery and then ran over...turns out it was just the laminaria's coming out. Those were not as painful coming out; however, she did have to fully pull them out which was not the best feeling. After they were out, my body relaxed a bit and then the waiting game come.
We just watched tv and movies until I started having contractions really bad. They were every 20-30 seconds and would last a minimum of 30 seconds. The pain is something I have never endured before and will fully admit, hurt more than anything I have felt. They were so intense that the narcotic medication I was getting didn't even come close to lowering the pain. After dealing with the pain for about an hour, Rob suggested I get an epidural or something heavier, so he called the nurse in and they had me sign paperwork to get the epidural. The anesthesiologist came in and was prepping me and I got sick (I had been sick to my stomach all day because of what was happeneing) and began to throw up, while doing so it felt like the baby was coming and so the nurse checked and it was time. So there was not enough time for an epidural.
Dr Adams came in and checked and said yes it was time and not to push for a second so she could finish prepping everything for delivery. I had Rob by my side holding my hand and the nurse holding my other hand with the doctor at my right leg ready to deliver him. Even though he was smaller, I still had to push. I pushed the first and second time and she so sweetly said, You're doing great sweetie, but I need another push, give me a good one." I gave one more big push and he came out. At that exact moment I no longer felt any physical pain, but I was in a state of shock. I felt bad, but I had no emotions, I watched her clean him up and she announced that it was definitely a boy. She examined him to hopefully determine the cause and then she said that is was apparent as to why he passed. She told us that he must have been a very active baby because he tied his umbilical cord in to 3-4 knots which then constricted the blood flow to him and the must have passed recently. She finished looking him over and then came back to me and double checked that I delivered everything and then gave me Pitocin to make my utereus contract faster and harder to help get it smaller and help with a faster recovery. She originally told me that I could possible deliver the baby and then have to go back and deliver the placenta like a normal delivery, but was hoping that I only had to do it once. Thankfully, I delivered everything at one time.
They finished cleaning me up and then the doctor asked if we wanted to see him. We both said yes and she brought him over to us. She showed us both exactly where the knots were in his umbilical cord so that we could hopefully have some peace with his passing. It did help, but really and honestly, nothing really helps or makes things better in this type of situation. I had a really hard time with myself because I was not super emotional. I was still in that shock state and I expressed to my doctor that I felt like something was wrong with me because I wasn't crying and thought I should be. She so amazingly sat on my bed with me and explained that I am just fine that I just experienced something that no one ever wants to go through and that we go in to "work mode" when you have a "job" to do and I just did my "job". She told me that it will come and that we all grieve differently at different times, she insisted that there was nothing wrong with me and I was not an awful person. They stayed in the room with us for a while, just being there with us making sure we were ok and then left us alone. We both just sat there looking at our precious baby. The first thing Rob said was, "He has my feet" and he sure did. It's amazing how much they look like you at such an early stage. Although very sweet, it broke my heart to hear my husband say those words.
We officially named him, Jaxton Robert. Jaxton was a name that we liked a long time ago but didn't like it for the twins. Rob liked the idea of calling his son "Jax" so when we found out that he was a boy at our 12.5 week ultra sound, we couldn't think of any other name we liked better and within a half hour of leaving that appointment, we had named him Jaxton. And Robert was chosen to be named after Rob; I wanted all of our boys to be named after him and just sounded great together. Our nurse came in to check on me and then we told her that she could take him. The hospital cleans up the babies the best they can and then they take pictures for the family. It's our choice to look at them or keep them, but they do it no matter what. So she took him and did the pictures. I asked if we could get some type of card or something with his name for our keepsake.
Around 1:30am/1:45am, she came back in with him and showed me all that she had done. The first thing she did was show me this name keepsake she had made. I couldn't have asked for anything better; she wrote out his name on this green construction paper and decorated it. And then put a little cute green frog on it and tried to get his foot prints and then wrote his height and weight. I had no idea they would do that and I was more than satisfied, especially since green was my favorite color! I just loved how sweet and caring she was. Our baby boy was born around 10:45pm on Tuesday, June 17th and was 6 inches long and weighed 54 grams.
She showed me everything else minus the pictures and said I could look at those when I felt ready but was going to put them in his box. And then asked where she wanted me to put him, I asked her to put him on the baby bed/table that was in the room and that we would get him when we were ready. She set him down and this was my view.
It was not set up, she just sat him down and as sad as it was, this picture turned out to be pretty cool looking with the light from the bathroom shining on him. It took a while, but I finally fell asleep and our nurses and doctor left us alone to rest until the morning. She came in and took my vitals again around 6:15am and checked my stomach etc. They asked us if we wanted the priest to come by again to bless Jaxton and we both said yes, so they left us alone to be with him while we waited for the priest.
Rob got up and brought Jaxton to our bed and we spent some time with him. We just talked a bit and sat there holding each other in silence. While we waited for the priest another nurse came by and said she wanted to do the impressions of his hands and feet. So she took him and got those done and then the priest came in.
They brought Jaxton back in and the Priest talked with us and then blessed our family and blessed Jaxton. It was very special, but very hard. I felt like I was in a dream, felt like it wasn't real but the reality was, it was real and we were about to leave and begin our life without our son.
Our new nurse came in when we were ready and took a picture of the three of us. I couldn't look up and smile, but I am very blessed to have a picture.
When we were ready to leave and we asked if I could take his blanket that they had him wrapped in for a keepsake, she of course, said yes. When the impressions are dry we'll give you everything else to keep. She said let me go get a warm blanket to wrap him in and we'll give you this one. I was surprised, but warm hearted that she actually got a warm blanket, it was a wonderful gesture and means a lot. She asked me if I would like to wrap him and without missing a beat, I said yes. It was the first and last time I would get to wrap my son in a blanket. She brought him this super cute white blanket with these orange elephants all over it, very boyish and I loved it. The only thing I asked for was that someone hold him while we left. I did not want to leave him on the table and walk away. I knew that he was gone, but I could not leave knowing he was just laying there and our nurse didn't even bat an eye and said of course I will hold him. We said our goodbyes to him and I handed him over. She so gently and caringly held him like he was a regular baby and just looked down on him and smiled at us. She began to tear up as we began to walk out of the room. She followed behind us and then stopped and watched us leave. As I was leaving our room, that is when I let everything go. I was so heartbroken and cried the entire way out of the hospital. That moment is something that I would never wish upon anyone. It was very emotional for both of us and it basically tore our hearts apart to have delivered our son the night before and leave with nothing. When we got out to our car, we just stood there holding each other until we were ready to leave.
When we got home, we had to tell the kids. That was very difficult to do, but I went in to mommy mode and sat down with them. Tyson immediately was asking is the baby a boy or a girl, what is it?! So we brought them in to Lincoln's room and sat down on the bed. I told them the baby was a boy, but unfortunately he died. I told him that we named their brother Jaxton Robert. And of course, Kaila was very emotional and the boys semi-understood what was going on but not fully. They asked why Daddy was so sad and he told them it was because he missed Baby Jaxton. They asked a few questions and then as my doctor said, they asked to go swimming and play. They did wait a little longer before leaving to play and asked more questions, like how I got him out, what happened to him, etc. I answered the best that I could without going in to many details, but we did tell them that his umbilical cord had tied in knots and that it restricted the blood to the baby. I didn't want to lie and my doctor coached me through what to say. We left it as simple as possible, but we were honest.
We then went on with our day as the kids wanted to play and were ready to move on. I was back in my "work mode" of being a mom and trying to make sure they were all ok. I finally took a shower and then we went and got some food. My doctor told me to be prepared that the kids would randomly say things and boy was she right. They said nothing to us and then at lunch asked about the baby. That day, our neighbors across the street, Rich & Susan, brought us some beautiful flowers after we got home from lunch. They have brightened my entrance way all week.
That afternoon/evening, my sister and brother in law took the kids for us. They were so gracious and took them swimming and to peter piper pizza and then dessert. They had a blast and even thought it was nice to have a break, it got really quiet at home and we missed them. So they came home and we did our normal routine and put everyone to bed. As soon as we put them to bed and I sat down on the couch, I honestly lost it. I just cried and cried and cried. My body had finally let my mind feel the emotions. That night and the next day were very hard for me. I am so grateful for our family and friends, as so many brought us food and drinks, they took our kids and just was there for us during this very difficult time. Rob and I just spent the entire time together grieving and trying to heal from our loss. We watched a lot of movies and really didn't do much. We didn't have desire to really go any where, but we tried and then would just end up home.
My best friend even brought over bags of groceries and these beautiful flowers along with some special treats for me. All my favorites.
And my girlfriends from work brought us dinner on Thursday and to just come visit. My friend Emily and her husband even brought over food for the kids on Tuesday and a bunch of snacky stuff that I normally eat. Jim came over and got the kids a bunch of McDonalds and had them play with his puppy. We also had a client of mine bring us dinner too...just so many gracious people took care of our family that I am forever grateful as I couldn't even think about eating, let alone cooking for all of us.
We kept the kids home for most of the time on Thursday and Friday, but then on Saturday we had them go to my moms to stay the night and then my sister took them Sunday and had them spend the night to give us some time to be alone. Saturday night, Rob had suggested that we go out to the mountains where they will be spreading his ashes on Sunday morning. I wasn't sure if I wanted to because of how hard this has been, but I am beyond grateful he suggested it, because it was the best thing for us. He wanted to take it easy since I was still recovering physically, but we ended up going out there and found the trail and hiked for about an hour and a half. It was very hot out, but it was breezy and beyond peaceful for both of us. It ended up being the first day that were more happy then sad and smiled and laughed more than we cried. I couldn't thank Rob enough for suggesting that we go out there. It was perfect.
Recovery...
One of the hardest parts about this is "side effects" of childbirth. Just like a normal mother would go through things physically, I too am going through them. My milk started to come in on that Wednesday night and continued to increase after that. And then I was feeling what I referred to as "phantom kicks" (which were my uterus contracting and then everything going back to "normal") and of course like all women who have had babies, you bleed afterwards. So those constant daily reminders made it a lot harder to get through the day and week.
My stomach has been going down and the kids have noticed that and ask why my tummy is "peeling off". I tell them it's not peeling off and will show them my tummy just they aren't scared of what "peeling off" may be.
Now that it's been just over a week, physically my body is doing better. My milk is just about dried up and the bleeding for the most part, isn't as heavy. My stomach is still there but is going down. Still have cramping but it's making progress. I thought that when my stomach went down I would feel better, but it had the opposite effect and was a lot harder not seeing a stomach. I guess it makes it more real.
One of my childhood friends that I grew up with and have known for so many years, unfortunately wen through the exact same thing and has been beyond gracious with talking with me, checking in and just being a great listener as she knows all too well how hard this is. Her and her husband lost their son knows the heartache and I am forever grateful that she has been here to lean on. They sent us these beautiful flowers.
Emotionally...I am still in the process. I have had a few good days, but I am still having a hard time. Rob is doing better too. He doesn't like to talk about it with others just yet, but says that being at work is helping him, it's good distraction. We both attempted to go back to work this past Monday and as it was good for Rob, it wasn't good for me. I went back on Wednesday to try again but it was worse so I left early.
On Thursday I had a follow up with my OB and after talking, she recommended that I take some time off to heal and be with my family and just work through this without have to be around the office. She thought it was too early and asked that I be off until she sees me on July 10th and then will release me back to work if she feels I am ready. She also asked if I would see a counselor, she said it would be good for me to get it all out and talk about it. She also asked that both Rob and I go as sometimes a loss like this will take an effect on a marriage and does not want that for us. I know us and know we'll be ok, but it may not be a bad idea...we'll just take it in time and see how it goes.
After talking with Rob about the time off, he agreed with her and so did I. I thought going back to my "normal" life/routine would make things better, but it turns out that adjusting to this "new normal" is a lot harder than I anticipated and I need some time to recover.
So for now, I'm just going to be home with the kids and hopefully adjust to our "new normal". This "new normal" is very difficult, but I can't thank my doctor enough for how amazing she has been through all of this. If it wasn't for her, I don't know how well we would be doing right now. She was beyond compassionate and caring and just there for us and was honest through everything as well. Words cannot describe how grateful I am for her.
I do want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers and kind messages. It means a lot to us know how wonderful you all are and how supportive everyone has been.
Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
As hard as it is to write this, it is also very healing to tell the story of our son...
On Tuesday, June 17th 2014, we were scheduled for an ultra-sound to check the babies heart and to confirm the gender. Back at our 12 1/2 week appointment, they thought that it was a boy. He had a very prominent pee-pee that they showed us :o)
When we found out it was a boy, I went and bought this outfit. This was going to be the outfit we brought him home in...needless to say, this is going to be one of our keepsakes.
Well, Tuesday came around and our appointment was at 7:10am. We went in, joking with the ultra-sound tech about whether or not it kept that pee-pee. We just chit-chatted a bit until she was ready.
She then got started and the minute she turned it on and scanned the baby, I knew something was wrong. I could not see his heart fluttering nor was he moving. She was very quiet and just measured his head and then his arm, sighed and then shut it off. She said to us, I am so sorry. I immediately knew he was gone. Rob thought at first she was saying that because it was a boy and then very quickly realized what was going on.
To say we were devastated would be a very large understatement. We just sat there and cried. The tech was very nice and then excused herself to get the NP that we were supposed to be meeting with that morning. She came in and apologized multiple times and then told us our options. Based on what was given to us, we decided to deliver. I was almost 19 1/2 weeks. They weren't sure exactly when he had passed but we now had to wait until the doctor arrived at the office.
We finally saw the doctor a little before 8:30am, she was nice and then gave us our options again. Since we decided to move forward with the delivery, she had to do a little procedure in the office to get things going. She put Laminarias in to my cervix to open it up. She wanted to put in 4, but was only able to put in 2. They were very painful, but she went as fast as she could. Putting these in would help speed up the process and get my body ready for birth. We had the option to go home and wait for a bit or go to the hospital. They were not sure exactly as to how long it would take for them to work, usually about 10-12 hours, but everyone is different so I could have gone way sooner. Since we didn't know and we had 3 kids sitting at home, we did not want to go home. We weren't ready to confront the kids just yet. So we went to the hospital to wait it out. We ran real quick to the house for Rob to change and drop off his car, as he was planning on going to work right after our appointment. He said it was hard avoiding the 20 questions from Kaila and the boys, but he went in and went out as fast as possible and just told the kids we had another appointment to go to.
We ate some nasty jack in the box in the parking lot, or at least tried...we were both just so sick to our stomachs. Once we got to Mercy Gilbert Hospital, it took us a while to go in. The whole thing just sucked. We told both of our parents and family while we were waiting and then went in. We had to go thru the ER and I was not ready to explain 15 times why we were there so I was very thankful that they asked one time and then just checked us in and sent us to labor and delivery. When we arrived on the 3rd floor, I asked for triage and this nurse, Lori, came out and said she's with me and took us back to our room. She was so sweet and comforting. She had the room, A304, all ready for us, no crazy bright lights, no one coming in and out. They had a little sign on the door indicating our loss so that no one would come in that wasn't needed or asked for. My nurse was beyond wonderful at making sure no one came in to bother us, that was nice. They gave us free rein to walk around, go outside, basically be as comfortable as possible while we waited.
She took my vitals and just made sure I was ok and then proceeded to talk to us about all that was going to happen, what our options were after birth, etc. She was very helpful and then left and got our doctor. I had never met this OB at my OBGYN's office before, her name was Dr Adams, but I am so grateful for her and couldn't imagine going through this with any other doctor, she was that wonderful.
She explained everything in more detail as to what was going to happen, options for what we would like to do with the baby afterwards but never pushed us, and then talked about our feelings. Since they put in the Laminaria's, there was a possibility that I would deliver those first and then the baby would come later or it could all come at once. Since everyone is so different they really don't know exactly how it will happen and again the time frame is up in the air. She prescribed me Cytotec to be taken every 4 hours to push the labor along. Every time I received that medication, I had very intense contractions for the first hour and half to two hours and then it would wear off a little. My doctor told me that I would go through everything that a woman would in regards to deliver, the only difference is that I wouldn't deliver as big as a 9 month woman would. So in regards to pain, it would be up there and then gave me my options, including an epidural. I told them I wanted to wait on the medication until it was absolutely necessary and that I weanted to be present for everything.
After we were done with the doctor my nurse brought us a bunch of different items. A lot of support paperwork to help us talk and tell the kids, along with a book about loss. She also brought us this box that said "Owl Love You Forever". Inside this box was a bunch of items for us and our little boy. An owl for me told hold as I was leaving the hospital so I wasn't empty handed, some blankets to wrap him in, along with a very small hat and a wrap for him. There was a candle and some more support information and other information about the organization and woman who started this for us moms who lost their babies. It was very sweet and nice, how supportive they all were with the situation we were faced with.
We walked around for a while to pass some time...went to the Healing Garden, got a couple drinks and then tried to rest as much as possible and watch tv. We were both just so emotional and drained that it felt like forever. We both wished so badly that I would deliver sooner than later. There are no words to describe this situation except for shitty. That was my word for the two days we were there and are to this day. We had a priest come in and bless both, Rob and myself and of course our baby. As much as it sucked to be having to do this, it was nice to have a Catholic Priest there to be with us for a short time.
As time went by, my contractions started to become more intense. It got to the point that Rob suggested that I maybe get some pain meds seeing as how he knew I did not want the epidural. The reason for that was how my body reacted to it when I was in labor with the boys--my experience was not very good with their delivery, but my doctor this round explained to me exactly why last time was the way it was and so I felt better about everything, but I still knew I didn't want the epidural. I wanted to be able to get up and walk afterwards if I wanted to see the baby etc. So instead of the epidural, my doctor gave me Stadol (I believe that is what it's called). It immediately relaxed me and took the pain away for a while. I was able to rest a bit and then I felt something coming. We thought maybe it was the baby and so the nurse called the doctor in. She was just finishing up a delivery and then ran over...turns out it was just the laminaria's coming out. Those were not as painful coming out; however, she did have to fully pull them out which was not the best feeling. After they were out, my body relaxed a bit and then the waiting game come.
We just watched tv and movies until I started having contractions really bad. They were every 20-30 seconds and would last a minimum of 30 seconds. The pain is something I have never endured before and will fully admit, hurt more than anything I have felt. They were so intense that the narcotic medication I was getting didn't even come close to lowering the pain. After dealing with the pain for about an hour, Rob suggested I get an epidural or something heavier, so he called the nurse in and they had me sign paperwork to get the epidural. The anesthesiologist came in and was prepping me and I got sick (I had been sick to my stomach all day because of what was happeneing) and began to throw up, while doing so it felt like the baby was coming and so the nurse checked and it was time. So there was not enough time for an epidural.
Dr Adams came in and checked and said yes it was time and not to push for a second so she could finish prepping everything for delivery. I had Rob by my side holding my hand and the nurse holding my other hand with the doctor at my right leg ready to deliver him. Even though he was smaller, I still had to push. I pushed the first and second time and she so sweetly said, You're doing great sweetie, but I need another push, give me a good one." I gave one more big push and he came out. At that exact moment I no longer felt any physical pain, but I was in a state of shock. I felt bad, but I had no emotions, I watched her clean him up and she announced that it was definitely a boy. She examined him to hopefully determine the cause and then she said that is was apparent as to why he passed. She told us that he must have been a very active baby because he tied his umbilical cord in to 3-4 knots which then constricted the blood flow to him and the must have passed recently. She finished looking him over and then came back to me and double checked that I delivered everything and then gave me Pitocin to make my utereus contract faster and harder to help get it smaller and help with a faster recovery. She originally told me that I could possible deliver the baby and then have to go back and deliver the placenta like a normal delivery, but was hoping that I only had to do it once. Thankfully, I delivered everything at one time.
They finished cleaning me up and then the doctor asked if we wanted to see him. We both said yes and she brought him over to us. She showed us both exactly where the knots were in his umbilical cord so that we could hopefully have some peace with his passing. It did help, but really and honestly, nothing really helps or makes things better in this type of situation. I had a really hard time with myself because I was not super emotional. I was still in that shock state and I expressed to my doctor that I felt like something was wrong with me because I wasn't crying and thought I should be. She so amazingly sat on my bed with me and explained that I am just fine that I just experienced something that no one ever wants to go through and that we go in to "work mode" when you have a "job" to do and I just did my "job". She told me that it will come and that we all grieve differently at different times, she insisted that there was nothing wrong with me and I was not an awful person. They stayed in the room with us for a while, just being there with us making sure we were ok and then left us alone. We both just sat there looking at our precious baby. The first thing Rob said was, "He has my feet" and he sure did. It's amazing how much they look like you at such an early stage. Although very sweet, it broke my heart to hear my husband say those words.
We officially named him, Jaxton Robert. Jaxton was a name that we liked a long time ago but didn't like it for the twins. Rob liked the idea of calling his son "Jax" so when we found out that he was a boy at our 12.5 week ultra sound, we couldn't think of any other name we liked better and within a half hour of leaving that appointment, we had named him Jaxton. And Robert was chosen to be named after Rob; I wanted all of our boys to be named after him and just sounded great together. Our nurse came in to check on me and then we told her that she could take him. The hospital cleans up the babies the best they can and then they take pictures for the family. It's our choice to look at them or keep them, but they do it no matter what. So she took him and did the pictures. I asked if we could get some type of card or something with his name for our keepsake.
Around 1:30am/1:45am, she came back in with him and showed me all that she had done. The first thing she did was show me this name keepsake she had made. I couldn't have asked for anything better; she wrote out his name on this green construction paper and decorated it. And then put a little cute green frog on it and tried to get his foot prints and then wrote his height and weight. I had no idea they would do that and I was more than satisfied, especially since green was my favorite color! I just loved how sweet and caring she was. Our baby boy was born around 10:45pm on Tuesday, June 17th and was 6 inches long and weighed 54 grams.
She showed me everything else minus the pictures and said I could look at those when I felt ready but was going to put them in his box. And then asked where she wanted me to put him, I asked her to put him on the baby bed/table that was in the room and that we would get him when we were ready. She set him down and this was my view.
It was not set up, she just sat him down and as sad as it was, this picture turned out to be pretty cool looking with the light from the bathroom shining on him. It took a while, but I finally fell asleep and our nurses and doctor left us alone to rest until the morning. She came in and took my vitals again around 6:15am and checked my stomach etc. They asked us if we wanted the priest to come by again to bless Jaxton and we both said yes, so they left us alone to be with him while we waited for the priest.
Rob got up and brought Jaxton to our bed and we spent some time with him. We just talked a bit and sat there holding each other in silence. While we waited for the priest another nurse came by and said she wanted to do the impressions of his hands and feet. So she took him and got those done and then the priest came in.
They brought Jaxton back in and the Priest talked with us and then blessed our family and blessed Jaxton. It was very special, but very hard. I felt like I was in a dream, felt like it wasn't real but the reality was, it was real and we were about to leave and begin our life without our son.
Our new nurse came in when we were ready and took a picture of the three of us. I couldn't look up and smile, but I am very blessed to have a picture.
When we were ready to leave and we asked if I could take his blanket that they had him wrapped in for a keepsake, she of course, said yes. When the impressions are dry we'll give you everything else to keep. She said let me go get a warm blanket to wrap him in and we'll give you this one. I was surprised, but warm hearted that she actually got a warm blanket, it was a wonderful gesture and means a lot. She asked me if I would like to wrap him and without missing a beat, I said yes. It was the first and last time I would get to wrap my son in a blanket. She brought him this super cute white blanket with these orange elephants all over it, very boyish and I loved it. The only thing I asked for was that someone hold him while we left. I did not want to leave him on the table and walk away. I knew that he was gone, but I could not leave knowing he was just laying there and our nurse didn't even bat an eye and said of course I will hold him. We said our goodbyes to him and I handed him over. She so gently and caringly held him like he was a regular baby and just looked down on him and smiled at us. She began to tear up as we began to walk out of the room. She followed behind us and then stopped and watched us leave. As I was leaving our room, that is when I let everything go. I was so heartbroken and cried the entire way out of the hospital. That moment is something that I would never wish upon anyone. It was very emotional for both of us and it basically tore our hearts apart to have delivered our son the night before and leave with nothing. When we got out to our car, we just stood there holding each other until we were ready to leave.
When we got home, we had to tell the kids. That was very difficult to do, but I went in to mommy mode and sat down with them. Tyson immediately was asking is the baby a boy or a girl, what is it?! So we brought them in to Lincoln's room and sat down on the bed. I told them the baby was a boy, but unfortunately he died. I told him that we named their brother Jaxton Robert. And of course, Kaila was very emotional and the boys semi-understood what was going on but not fully. They asked why Daddy was so sad and he told them it was because he missed Baby Jaxton. They asked a few questions and then as my doctor said, they asked to go swimming and play. They did wait a little longer before leaving to play and asked more questions, like how I got him out, what happened to him, etc. I answered the best that I could without going in to many details, but we did tell them that his umbilical cord had tied in knots and that it restricted the blood to the baby. I didn't want to lie and my doctor coached me through what to say. We left it as simple as possible, but we were honest.
We then went on with our day as the kids wanted to play and were ready to move on. I was back in my "work mode" of being a mom and trying to make sure they were all ok. I finally took a shower and then we went and got some food. My doctor told me to be prepared that the kids would randomly say things and boy was she right. They said nothing to us and then at lunch asked about the baby. That day, our neighbors across the street, Rich & Susan, brought us some beautiful flowers after we got home from lunch. They have brightened my entrance way all week.
That afternoon/evening, my sister and brother in law took the kids for us. They were so gracious and took them swimming and to peter piper pizza and then dessert. They had a blast and even thought it was nice to have a break, it got really quiet at home and we missed them. So they came home and we did our normal routine and put everyone to bed. As soon as we put them to bed and I sat down on the couch, I honestly lost it. I just cried and cried and cried. My body had finally let my mind feel the emotions. That night and the next day were very hard for me. I am so grateful for our family and friends, as so many brought us food and drinks, they took our kids and just was there for us during this very difficult time. Rob and I just spent the entire time together grieving and trying to heal from our loss. We watched a lot of movies and really didn't do much. We didn't have desire to really go any where, but we tried and then would just end up home.
My best friend even brought over bags of groceries and these beautiful flowers along with some special treats for me. All my favorites.
And my girlfriends from work brought us dinner on Thursday and to just come visit. My friend Emily and her husband even brought over food for the kids on Tuesday and a bunch of snacky stuff that I normally eat. Jim came over and got the kids a bunch of McDonalds and had them play with his puppy. We also had a client of mine bring us dinner too...just so many gracious people took care of our family that I am forever grateful as I couldn't even think about eating, let alone cooking for all of us.
We kept the kids home for most of the time on Thursday and Friday, but then on Saturday we had them go to my moms to stay the night and then my sister took them Sunday and had them spend the night to give us some time to be alone. Saturday night, Rob had suggested that we go out to the mountains where they will be spreading his ashes on Sunday morning. I wasn't sure if I wanted to because of how hard this has been, but I am beyond grateful he suggested it, because it was the best thing for us. He wanted to take it easy since I was still recovering physically, but we ended up going out there and found the trail and hiked for about an hour and a half. It was very hot out, but it was breezy and beyond peaceful for both of us. It ended up being the first day that were more happy then sad and smiled and laughed more than we cried. I couldn't thank Rob enough for suggesting that we go out there. It was perfect.
When we were at a point where two paths crossed, we came across these rocks. There were four and Rob added one and then when we were finished I added another. We'll always be a family of 6.
Not the best picture, but I actually smiled...It was a good day.
Recovery...
One of the hardest parts about this is "side effects" of childbirth. Just like a normal mother would go through things physically, I too am going through them. My milk started to come in on that Wednesday night and continued to increase after that. And then I was feeling what I referred to as "phantom kicks" (which were my uterus contracting and then everything going back to "normal") and of course like all women who have had babies, you bleed afterwards. So those constant daily reminders made it a lot harder to get through the day and week.
My stomach has been going down and the kids have noticed that and ask why my tummy is "peeling off". I tell them it's not peeling off and will show them my tummy just they aren't scared of what "peeling off" may be.
Now that it's been just over a week, physically my body is doing better. My milk is just about dried up and the bleeding for the most part, isn't as heavy. My stomach is still there but is going down. Still have cramping but it's making progress. I thought that when my stomach went down I would feel better, but it had the opposite effect and was a lot harder not seeing a stomach. I guess it makes it more real.
One of my childhood friends that I grew up with and have known for so many years, unfortunately wen through the exact same thing and has been beyond gracious with talking with me, checking in and just being a great listener as she knows all too well how hard this is. Her and her husband lost their son knows the heartache and I am forever grateful that she has been here to lean on. They sent us these beautiful flowers.
And our kids babysitter and her family, who is like family to us, gave us these flowers and sent a very sweet card sending their love to our family.
On Thursday I had a follow up with my OB and after talking, she recommended that I take some time off to heal and be with my family and just work through this without have to be around the office. She thought it was too early and asked that I be off until she sees me on July 10th and then will release me back to work if she feels I am ready. She also asked if I would see a counselor, she said it would be good for me to get it all out and talk about it. She also asked that both Rob and I go as sometimes a loss like this will take an effect on a marriage and does not want that for us. I know us and know we'll be ok, but it may not be a bad idea...we'll just take it in time and see how it goes.
After talking with Rob about the time off, he agreed with her and so did I. I thought going back to my "normal" life/routine would make things better, but it turns out that adjusting to this "new normal" is a lot harder than I anticipated and I need some time to recover.
So for now, I'm just going to be home with the kids and hopefully adjust to our "new normal". This "new normal" is very difficult, but I can't thank my doctor enough for how amazing she has been through all of this. If it wasn't for her, I don't know how well we would be doing right now. She was beyond compassionate and caring and just there for us and was honest through everything as well. Words cannot describe how grateful I am for her.
I do want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers and kind messages. It means a lot to us know how wonderful you all are and how supportive everyone has been.
Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
No comments:
Post a Comment